#oneaday Day 954: I Love Cock

“Cock” is possibly my favourite word in the entire English language. I don’t care if you’re using it to refer to a rooster or an erect penis (I always felt that “cock” implied “erect”, as does “dong”, “schlong”, “wang” and numerous others; meanwhile “winky”, “dick”, “willy” and “tallywhacker” imply flaccidity, but I digress) — it’s just a fantastically satisfying word to say.

You have to say it right for it to be satisfying though. Try it with me.

Take a deep breath, in through your nose. Now open your mouth a little as if you’re going to cough up a big ol’ flob and pronounce a nice, crisp, hard “C” sound. Immediately follow with a round, fruity “O”, where your mouth makes the perfect shape of the letter it’s pronouncing, leave a short gap, then follow up with the “CK”. Ideally, you should throw back your head slightly while doing the “CO–” bit and give a pervy smile while doing the “–CK” bit. Advanced “COCK”-ers should feel free to add a crescendoing “mm” or “nn” sound beforehand for added amusement. “mmCOCK!” “nnCOCK!”

Lest you feel I’ve lost it here, let me explain my love for this gloriously expressive one-syllable word. It came about back in secondary school. Some friends and I were hanging out, and I, for some reason, happened to pronounce the word “cock” in the manner described above, and everyone fell about laughing. According to my friend Craig, it was hilarious because it, I quote, “sounded like a porn star saying it.” (It sounds even more like a porn star saying it if you also say the word “SUCK” in the same manner as the word “COCK” described above.)

Anyhow, the word “COCK” became our go-to insult or space-filler when there was a lull in the conversation. This use of the word, completely devoid of its usual context, came to a head one summer when my parents had gone on holiday and I was left alone in the house for the first time. My friend Woody and I had recently discovered Final Fantasy VII and, having both finished it possibly several times by this point, were doing a communal playthrough together, fuelled by tequila which we had decided we would attempt to drink despite the fact that both of us felt that it tasted like what a glass of water would taste like if you dropped about fifteen cigarette butts in it. As night fell, we decided that The Thing To Do would be to switch over and play Resident Evil 2 very loud while absolutely munted off our tits. (We also left a metronome ticking outside the room our friend Ed, who had flaked out early, was sleeping in.)

For whatever reason, during our Resident Evil 2 session — and remember we were absolutely twatted by this point — we then decided that The Thing To Do would be to turn to each other and repeatedly say the word “COCK” in the manner described above to each other while attempting to continue normal play. Normal play was already somewhat difficult due to the amount of alcohol we had imbibed coupled with Resident Evil 2’s cumbersome controls, so it largely degenerated into just the shouting of the aforementioned syllable over and over and over again.

I don’t know for how many hours we kept this up, but it was certainly a long time. Probably at least one hour and possibly more. I’m pretty sure that we somehow got most of the way through the game while repeatedly bellowing “COCK” at one another, because I have a vivid memory of collapsing in a drunken, exhausted heap after failing to kill the final boss and waking up the next morning in an awkward position with the PlayStation still running.

So there you go. That’s how much I love cock. I’ll go all night with it.

(Aside: WordPress recommended “wine tasting descriptors” as a tag for this post. I’m not sure I need to make any further comment than that.)

5 thoughts on “#oneaday Day 954: I Love Cock

  1. Kittycow

    Fond memories from uni as well. Especially as that was around the time that Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels came out. Hours of entertainment.

    PS I confess to joining in and uttering it aloud whilst reading this post, to the bemusement of other half, dog and assorted neighbours. But it felt goooood.

    Reply
  2. Claire

    You know full well how well I understand this post and identify with it. Ps if you see Ed and Woody, do send them my regards!

    Oh yeah and every time I see or hear the word ‘cock’ out of context, I think of it in your voice.

    Reply
  3. judsgamereviews

    Hey Pete, I just wanted to forward a Link on to you from another blog I’m following – http://suburbantimewaster.wordpress.com/2012/08/29/planet-stronghold-winterwolves-com/#comment-156
    She wrote this blog about Planet Stronghold and it included a Video trailor that is great. It made me see how RPGs are transferred to the PC format, which was always a bit of a mystery to me. I couldn’t see how they were done, other than SHMUPs or games like MYST – which I love. There was a Universe Planet Space Exploration and Colonise game that my son and his mates played about 15 years or so ago that was set in the star-studded blackness of space – you moved your ship from planet to planet, galaxy to galaxy, setting up colonies, mining, etc subduing locals, but it was all done in terms of the choice menus, with no actual action taking place. It was quite amazing really though I guess it sounds dull. I wish I could think of its name!!
    What do you think of Planet Stronghold – I have a nagging thought that you have already done a blog on it – and does her site ineterest you at all. I have sent her your link to I’m Not Dr Who so she may check you out and comment on some of yours as well.

    Reply
  4. judsgamereviews

    comment take 2 . . . you wally! I fell about laughing when I read this blog – I’d grabbed it as a means of getting in touch with you and passing on the link above – then thought I’d better read it while I was here – especially with it’s oh so provocative title!!
    I have to admit to doing a test tun with the pronunciation ritual you suggested, after ascertaining that the cat was NOT listening and no-one could hear me from the open window on the balcony! Very amusing, and not a word I would normally utter.
    You have successfully corrupted me rofl!!! :D

    Reply

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