A little positivity: gradual improvements.

As I’ve alluded to a number of times recently, the COVID years have really done a number on my body and mind. The enforced isolation from the initial lockdowns caused me to be even more inactive than I had previously been, and my weight and general wellbeing declined considerably as a result. (Well, my weight inclined. My general bodily wellbeing declined. You know what I mean.)

Given that decline, it’s been very hard to 1) motivate myself to try and improve the situation and 2) actually improve the situation.

Andie and I have joined the local gym a couple of times in recent months/years, but we always ended up making excuses to not go, so I feel like that wasn’t right for me — not in my present state, anyway. I needed something that was just plain relaxing and enjoyable, but which would do me some degree of “good”, so I decided to start going for a walk a few evenings a week.

I’ve done this before and I’ve always found it quite pleasant; my hesitance to do it more often largely stems from the fact that we live on the top of a big hill and, as such, whichever direction you set off from, you always finish a walk having to climb quite a steep incline. Which, again, in my current state, is not particularly desirable. I know pushing yourself is good, but I don’t think you appreciate what a terrible state my muscles are in.

With this in mind, I looked around the local parks for some suitable walking routes. I’ve been for walks on the big Common here in Southampton a number of times previously, and that’s always very pleasant, but I fancied a bit of a change. So I decided to check out Riverside Park (not pictured in the header — that’s a stock image!), an area that seems to be quite fondly regarded by local residents (those who are inclined to leave Google reviews on patches of grass, anyway) and have found it to be a nice place to try and build myself up a bit again.

I’ve been kicking off with a basic “circuit” of part of the park that comes out to a little over a mile in length. Not much, I know, but again, I’m not in a great state, so I wanted and needed to start relatively gently. Already, after just three trips doing along this route, I’ve felt an improvement. Not a huge one — it’s very early days, of course — but an improvement nonetheless.

One thing I will note is that I’m very deliberately not quantifying or “gamifying” my walks. In fact, I’m making a specific effort to completely disconnect when I go for them. I leave my phone behind and carry nothing but my car key so it really is just me. No music, no podcasts, no distractions, no GPS tracking, no step counting — just me.

The reason for this is that I feel you can over-quantify the things you do. Yes, it can be motivational to have hard data and see how much you’re improving — but equally, it can be demoralising to learn what you thought was an impressive achievement actually wasn’t all that great. So I’ve ditched all that in favour of good old fashioned feelings. And, halfway through my walk this evening, I felt surprisingly good.

The reason for this was that I reached the “halfway point” (I say this in inverted commas because it’s not really halfway, it just feels like it) a lot more quickly and easily than I have done on my previous couple of trips around this route. In fact, it almost felt like the initial part of the route flashed by almost inconsequentially, whereas on the first day I tried, it was a struggle to get moving at all.

I still felt like I’d had a reasonably decent workout (by my standards; please remember I am very unfit and very heavy) by the end of my walk. Things started to get noticeably more difficult on the “return journey”, which I take on dirt paths rather than the paved outward bound route, but I made it back to my car without wanting to die, and with a sense of some satisfaction that I’d made some progress. A miniscule amount by the standards of someone who has a basic level of human fitness, sure, but a significant victory by my own standards.

I’m going to continue with this for a while and see how things go. Perhaps at some point I’ll feel up to adding an additional “lap” to the circuit for an easy means of going a little further and pushing myself a little harder. For now, I think I’ve found my pace — and while it might not look like much to a bystander, it’s definitely something to me.

Acknowledging When You Need Help, or At Least When You Need to Change

I’m going to share some stuff today that I’m a bit uncomfortable about sharing, but attempting to deal with it in private hasn’t been going so well, so I’m hoping that making things a bit more “public” might help me somehow.

I’m not sure how yet — perhaps simply making people aware of what I’m dealing with might make me feel a bit better about it, or perhaps I need some sort of support. Exactly what form that support might take, I have no idea, but… anyway, enough preamble, let me just get into it before I talk myself out of sharing this.

As those who have known me for a while will know, I have struggled for a long time with my weight. It has been on a steadily upward spiral for pretty much my entire adult life and, barring an extremely successful stint with Slimming World a few years back, I have had great difficulty shedding weight and keeping it off. This has been a particular problem during the COVID years, since just general activity was pretty much a no-go for quite some time.

This is a fairly significant problem, not just for the obvious reasons, but also because I have been suffering with an extremely painful hernia for the past few years — and the doctors refuse to do anything about it unless I lose some weight, because apparently if I get it fixed in the state I’m in right now, it’s very likely to just come back. It doesn’t help, of course, that I am terrified of hospitals in general and surgery especially, but I’m kind of sort of coming to terms with the fact that at some point it will be necessary to confront that. But not yet.

This is extremely difficult and embarrassing to admit, but I hope that sharing it might help some people to understand why I find some things a bit of a struggle — things that “normal” folks would likely take in their stride on a daily basis. Things like, say, walking down to the shops in a group at lunchtime to get a sandwich; I just can’t keep up with people.

I entirely accept that the situation I’m in is my own fault, but that doesn’t make it any less embarrassing. If anything, it makes it more embarrassing.

I currently weigh over 28 stone. I do not like admitting this because it’s utterly shameful, but I’m putting it out there just so you understand where I’m coming from.

This is obviously extremely unhealthy and I am perfectly aware of that. It disgusts me to see myself in the mirror. None of my clothes fit properly. And any time someone in the street insults me for my weight (which has happened rather more often than I’d like) I have a hard time accepting that they’re being unreasonable and unpleasant; part of me feels like I “deserve” the abuse.

I am taking measures to attempt to reduce that — specifically, my wife Andie and I are following the WeightWatchers (or “WW” as they prefer to call it now) plan. This means that we track our food intake daily according to various items’ “points” values and, in doing so, both learn to think about what we’re putting in our mouth and control what we’re eating.

Trouble is, of late we (and particularly I) have been struggling with motivation to such a degree that it’s tough to make it through a whole week staying “on plan”. WW has a certain amount of flexibility built into it in that you can earn points “back” by eating vegetables and doing exercise, but that doesn’t exactly cancel out a day when you eat way too much of the things you shouldn’t be eating.

My trouble is, I have what I’d probably describe as an addiction, having been in a position to care for and be with people who have had other types of addiction. My addiction is not to alcohol or drugs, though; it’s to food.

Food is my coping mechanism. If I’m sad, I want to eat. If I’m anxious, I want to eat. And when I want to eat, I don’t want to “grab a handful of salad” or “enjoy this healthy treat packed with veggies” — I want chocolate, cake, bread, crisps, sugary drinks, that sort of thing. And I often find the urge to eat those things completely irresistible — even if we have none of them in the house. Living near a Tesco Express will do that to you.

Unfortunately, this leads to something of a vicious cycle. I am sad and anxious and angry because of my weight. Because I’m sad and anxious and angry, I eat, which makes my weight problem worse. I feel guilty about screwing my own body up, which makes me feel sad and anxious and angry, which… you get the idea. It is unhealthy coping mechanisms and an unhealthy relationship with food that has got me into this position, but I am having a real tough time breaking out of it.

The reason why I’m feeling particularly anxious about it right now is because in combination with the symptoms of “long COVID”, I feel a complete wreck on a daily basis. All my joints ache. It hurts to sit down for too long. It hurts to stand up for too long. If I lie on my side for too long in the night, the knee on the bottom ends up in excruciating pain for a few minutes. I’m perpetually tired, and no amount of sleep seems to fix that.

I know very well that fixing all this is going to be a long and slow process — but that it is possible. The one light at the far-off end of an extremely long tunnel is that I know I’ve had success with this before. I’ve never felt so good in my adult life as when I was successful at Slimming World — but unfortunately a variety of both personal and professional stresses caused me to well and truly fall off the wagon, putting me in a worse situation than I’ve ever been in my life.

I don’t want to hurt any more. I don’t want to be sad any more. And I don’t want to die before my time. I don’t really know if or how anyone reading this is able to help, but I just want to put it out there that I could do with some help — even if it’s simply a bit of consideration and understanding for the situation I’m in, and the knowledge that there are people out there not judging me negatively and harshly for ending up in such a horrible (albeit self-inflicted) situation, but who will be there to support and encourage me as I attempt to rescue myself from it.

Thanks for your time.

1982: Below the Threshold

Slimming World tonight, and this week I lost a pleasing 3.5lb. I’m particularly pleased about this because of the impending celebrations at the weekend, which will doubtless involve eating lots of things I “shouldn’t”.

But I’m not going to worry about it. I’m going to enjoy the weekend to the fullest, then make sure I get back on plan once the weekend is over, and going by past experience, that should minimise the damage.

Tonight’s result was pleasing for another reason, though: not only did it mark my crossing the “4 stone lost” threshold, I now find myself in a stone bracket that I can’t remember the last time I was in. In other words, I’m the lightest I’ve been for quite some time. I still have a long way to go, but things are still going nicely in the right direction, which is very motivating.

I find myself wondering if my weight loss is going to continue, since there are some people in the group who really seem to struggle from week to week. At the moment, though, I’m not having too much difficulty keeping to the plan, and I’m seeing fairly consistent results. So in theory, if I just keep doing what I’m doing, things should continue the way they have been — at least until I eventually reach my target.

I don’t know when that will be but after several years of despairing about my weight gain, I do now feel like I’ll be able to reach it. It might take months or even years, but I have faith I’ll get there.

1968: Another Week, Another Pound

Weigh-in night tonight, as it is every Wednesday, and I’m pleased to report that I’ve shed another pound this week. This is less than I’ve lost in some weeks, but I’m just pleased that it’s continuing to go in a downwards direction almost every week. In the however-many-weeks it is since I joined Slimming World, I think I’ve only had one week where I put on weight, and in that instance it was only a pound. (And an entirely justified pound, given the amount of meat I consumed during my birthday celebrations.)

I’m still feeling positive about the whole thing, and I’m glad; one of the things that put me off any sort of dieting before was the fact that I’d get so utterly bored of it by a few days in, start “treating” myself to something because it couldn’t hurt, and then end up right back where I started again. Or, in some instances, the diet would prove to be detrimental to my health; I recall I experimented with Atkins on one occasion and promptly spent most of that week suffering from some of the worst headaches I’ve ever had in my life. I didn’t try that again.

But Slimming World allows me the flexibility to enjoy food — and food I like too. I’d probably get faster weight loss if I had a few more salads and few less bacon sandwiches of a morning, but I like bacon sandwiches and salads are rubbish, so since I’m still losing weight even when I have bacon sandwiches in the morning, I think I will stick with the bacon sandwiches, thank you very much.

I think the key to the whole thing, which is what I didn’t seem to work out and/or stick with on any previous occasion where I’ve tried dieting, is to find “acceptable” substitutes for the things I like. My biggest weakness was always sweet things — sweets, chocolate, fizzy drinks, cakes, pastries, that sort of thing. The most significant change I’ve made to my eating and drinking since I started Slimming World is swapping out highly calorific sweet things for things that still satisfy that craving for something sweet but which don’t cause me to pile weight on.

Muller Light yoghurt, for example, is “free” on Slimming World, meaning that you can have as much of it as you like in a day. I’ve found a bunch of flavours that I like very much (Vanilla with chocolate sprinkles, orange with chocolate sprinkles, coconut with chocolate sprinkles, cherry and the cappuccino one they don’t seem to make any more) and will now reach for one of those rather than a chocolate bar.

Of course, the “syns” system on Slimming World means that I do have the flexibility to have a biscuit or a piece of chocolate now and again, so long as I don’t go completely out of control with it. I can even enjoy an Indian takeaway within my allowance — turns out my favourite curry (dansak) is the lowest-syn curry there is, so I call that a win and a half. (Other favourites Chinese and pizza, however, are pretty much out of the window, sadly, though I’m surprised how little I’ve missed them.)

I have set myself a “target” weight that is still a fair distance away, and depending on how long it takes to get there and how I look and feel when I get there, I may consider attempting to lose even more on top of that. But I no longer feel as I once did — that the weight I had put on was never coming off, ever — and I feel hopeful and confident that, even if it takes months or years, I’ll eventually be able to get to where I want to be. Seeing one member of the group tonight picking up his award for having lost a total of six stone since he joined was inspiring; I’m already over halfway to where he is after a relatively short period of time, so I’m looking forward to what the future holds, particularly as I’m already starting to feel better about myself when I see myself in a mirror or look down at my still-flabby-but-not-quite-as-much-as-before gut.

The journey will be long, then, but I’m still very much on the right road. I’m glad I took that difficult first step.

1940: An Open Letter to Paul Glass, Slimming World Consultant, Upper Shirley

Hi Paul,

I was saddened to hear this evening of your impending departure from the Upper Shirley Slimming World groups, but completely understand your reasoning behind it and would like to thank you for your openness and honesty with the group. I’m sure everyone you’ve helped to date is very happy to support your decision, and will keep you in our hearts even after you start your new life supporting your new family.

I’m writing this as an open letter online for a few reasons. Firstly, and most selfishly, for vanity purposes: it’s a means of me celebrating my own achievements with Slimming World — something that would not have been possible without you, which I’ll talk more about in a moment. Secondly, I hope it might potentially provide inspiration to anyone who happens to be reading who has struggled with similar issues to me. Thirdly, it provides the opportunity for others to be able to chime in and voice their support and gratitude for what you have done for each and every one of us. Fourthly and finally, I’m not that good with saying this sort of thing out loud due to a certain degree of social anxiety; I am, however, and not to sound like I’m blowing my own trumpet too much, somewhat more skilled with the written word, so this seemed like the most appropriate medium through which to deliver this important message.

I have lost nearly three and a half stone since joining the group about four months ago. Those four months have flown by; in the meantime, I lost my job under fairly personally traumatic circumstances, have had to secure new work for myself, begin to establish myself as a local music teacher and figure out what on earth to do with my life — something that, at thirty-four years of age, I still don’t have a definitive answer for. Alongside that, I’m dealing with wedding preparation, other personal commitments, a friend who attempted suicide once and has threatened to do it again, and supporting my bride-to-be through a period of ill health. It has, in short, been a stressful, depressing and anxiety-inducing time.

In the past, my main means of coping with such a situation would have been to “treat myself” to something delicious, “because I deserved it” for dealing with difficult times. Unfortunately, as someone who suffers with depression and anxiety — conditions that I have recently started undergoing treatment for — I found myself relying on this means of emotional support more and more, which meant I piled the weight on and on, got bigger and bigger and heavier and heavier.

It had got to the point where I was embarrassed to look at older pictures of myself, because although I’ve been a fairly big fella for much of my adult life, I was conscious that I was far bigger than I’d ever been. It was starting to be physically uncomfortable. It was starting to affect my life, in that I was becoming increasingly conscious of silly little things like the fact that I was over the maximum recommended weight for a stepladder we have, that I was too fat to ride some of the rides at Alton Towers — one of the most humiliating experiences of my life — and that I was unable to participate in part of a friend’s stag weekend activities because I was too heavy for Segways and treetop “Go Ape” activities. I was disgusted to look at myself in the mirror, and I worried that my appearance disgusted others, too — though the only people who ever commented on it were random strangers who occasionally made hurtful comments as I passed by them in public, and thankfully this was a rare occurrence, perhaps largely due to the fact that I generally prefer to stay indoors!

I was starting to despair over it. I felt that, whatever I did, I couldn’t turn back this weight gain. I felt that I was doomed to continue gaining weight forever, and it’s not an exaggeration to say that I thought — knew? — it would eventually be the premature death of me. I tried various things. I tried fad diets on several occasions. I tried exercising on several occasions. I tried eating “better”, as I saw it. But nothing seemed to work; still the weight piled on, because still I had my weakness: my means of coping with difficult situations, and a life that seemed to attract said difficult situations.

I turned to Slimming World as a last resort. This was to be my last final push, my last attempt to do something about my weight, and if it didn’t work, I was going to do my very best to try and at least accept myself the way I was if I couldn’t change it. I chose Slimming World because my fiancee’s sister has had some noticeable success with it since she joined, and because the programme, as described online, sounded like it was both appealing and practical to fit in to my life as it is today. So I bit the bullet, took that step and showed up to the 7:30 Upper Shirley group for the first time. And, while there are many things in my life that I regret, taking that step over the threshold and joining the group for the first time will never be one of them.

Why? Because you helped me achieve something that I had started to believe was impossible for me. You inspired me to try my best, but to take my journey at my own pace without pressure. You even helped me to enjoy food again; food had become something that “just happened”, and it was pretty rare I found myself genuinely enjoying something, because it was often followed by guilt over whether I should have picked something “better” for me, or just passed altogether.

The wonderful support of the 7:30 Upper Shirley group counts for something, too, of course, as I’m sure you’d be the first to say. But your contribution to how much better I feel — both physically and emotionally — cannot be understated, and I will be forever grateful for you starting me on this path, as I’m sure I will be grateful for P’s support as she helps us all continue on our journeys towards becoming the people we want to be.

My journey may have been proceeding faster than I ever dreamed possible, but I still have a long way to go. Rather than this being a scary, demoralising concept, however, you have helped me rise to the challenge and feel confident that, with time, dedication, effort and the support of everyone around me, that I really can achieve anything.

Thank you, Paul, from the bottom of my heart, and I wish you the very best of luck in your future endeavours. The Upper Shirley groups will miss you greatly.

Pete Davison

1899: Continued Shrinkage

Slimming World tonight, and I’m pleased to report that I lost another 3.5lb this week, which puts me in the “Club 10” category; I’ve lost 10% of what my body weight was when I started. If I can keep at or below this weight for 10 weeks, I get a free week of membership: a small reward, but an incentive nonetheless.

I’m pleased at how well I’ve managed to stick with it so far. The fact that the “diet” itself isn’t anywhere near as restrictive as a lot of other plans has helped me maintain my motivation to keep with it. I can continue to eat many of the things I enjoy, so long as they’re prepared appropriately — in most cases, this means substituting oil for low-calorie cooking spray, which I haven’t noticed having a particularly big impact on flavour. It obviously rules out things like deep-frying, which is a shame as there are certain things — hash browns are one — which are unquestionably superior when deep-fried compared to baked, but it’s something I can live without.

Or rather, I don’t necessarily have to live without these things so long as I pay attention to their “syn” values. Syns are abstract values that I believe are somewhat tied to calorific content, but also seem take into account things like sugar, fat and so on. The pronunciation of the name is perhaps a little misleading — they’re not “sins”, but rather short for “synergy” in that they provide controlled doses of the parts of a balanced diet that are easy to let run away with themselves — things like the aforementioned fats and sugars. We need these things to function — we need calories, too — but having too much of anything is where problems start. By limiting “syn” intake to 5-15 a day — I normally err towards the 15 mark, since I still enjoy my food — it’s much easier to keep a handle on what’s going in. And that, in turn, helps the weight continue to fall off: since I’ve started, which was, I believe, about 10 weeks ago, I haven’t had a single week where I haven’t lost weight as yet. I’m sure it’ll happen eventually — every week I expect to have reached that plateau and have to start working a bit harder — but for now, the efforts I’m making are being rewarded.

And that’s a good feeling. At a time in my life where I can’t honestly say things have been going particularly “well” — though things are marginally better than they have been thanks to me getting some sporadic work here and there — it’s nice to have one thing where I’m consistently and regularly having the opportunity to genuinely celebrate some success. And I’m pleased that the Slimming World group I’m a member of — as with most Slimming World groups, from what I’m given to understand — is more than happy to celebrate that success and keep me motivated to continue.

That and the fact I tried a pair of jeans on earlier that I couldn’t do up a few months ago and they went on easily.

1892: Shrunken

Slimming World meeting tonight, and I’d lost another 2.5lbs this week. That means for the last 9 weeks I’ve consistently been losing weight, and I’ve now lost a little over 2 stone in total.

To say I’m pleased is an understatement. I still have a long way to go, of course, and I intend to keep doing what I’m doing as it seems to be working, but it’s been heartening to see the lifestyle changes I’ve made since joining the programme having a noticeable and positive effect.

There’s a few major changes to what I was doing before that have taken some adjusting to, but which are now fairly comfortably part of my usual routine. Firstly, I’ve cut right back on dairy; I used to drink a lot of milk which, of course, has its own health benefits, but which is also calorific and packed with fat. I’ve never been a mega-fan of cheese — I like it well enough, but I can happily live without it — so that’s been fairly straightforward to cut out, too. Instead, using the Slimming World “Healthy Extra” system, I limit myself to one latte in the morning (with 250ml milk measured) or 30g of cheese in a meal. I can spend some “Syns” to have both in a single day — I did tonight, in fact — but I’m now pretty much in the habit of keeping my dairy intake controlled.

Secondly is keeping an eye on what I drink, as this is probably where a lot of calories have snuck up on me in the past. I like to drink cold drinks, particularly cans, so I’ve switched exclusively to diet or “Zero” drinks instead of the Fat Cokes I used to enjoy. I’m still not a huge fan of Diet Coke, but other diet versions of popular drinks have proven surprisingly palatable. I actually think I prefer Diet Pepsi to regular Pepsi and Pepsi Max now, and Fanta/Sprite/Lilt/Dr Pepper/Irn Bru Zero are all pretty much indistinguishable from the “real thing”, and those are all drinks I like, so the fridge is kept well-stocked with those for when I want a cold drink, and it’s squashes or water at other times.

Thirdly is the aforementioned “syns”, keeping an eye on what other things I’m eating over the course of the day. The nice thing about Slimming World is that a lot of food is “free” (i.e. you can have as much as you like — and this includes stuff like pasta, rice and lean meat) but you also have the flexibility to use these “syns” to slip some extra stuff in there, too. (The “syn” part is from “synergy”, not “sin”; they’re supposed to complement the “free” foods and fill in the gaps for a balanced diet with things like sugar, fat and whatnot — the things that can easily get out of control, but which are still necessary for a decent diet.) Checking syn values of various foods has been eye-opening, and also helps me to make better choices when things are on offer. This doesn’t mean I can’t treat myself — indeed, when I went over to Boston for PAX, I pretty much took a few days completely off from the programme as it simply wasn’t practical to follow when I didn’t have full control over what I’d be eating — but it does mean that I can think more carefully about what I’m eating and drinking.

So it’s going well so far. I’m sure the weight loss will slow down or even stagnate at some point, but it’s encouraging that I’ve managed to lose so much so (relatively) quickly. A few people have commented that they can see the difference, and for once, I think I can, too. I’m still not happy with my body — I have a lot of weight to lose — but I’m happier with it than I was nine weeks ago, and hopefully that pattern will continue. Whether I’ll make it into the realm of the normal-sized people I don’t know — genetically, the odds are stacked somewhat against me — but I can but continue trying.

1850: All Wound Up

The last couple of weeks have been shit. And they are likely to continue being shit. Particularly tomorrow which, without going into details, promises to be a real humdinger of a never-ending, toilet bowl-splattering, sloppy half-digested poo of a day.

I shan’t go into details for various reasons, but suffice to say I am Not Having a Good Time. I feel marginally better now than I did earlier today — more on that in a moment — but for the most part I am reaching one of those “troughs” with regard to my emotional state and mental health. And oh boy, it’s a deep one. I’d go so far as to say that there have been times in the last couple of weeks when I have been feeling pretty much as bad as I did when I hit my previous lowest ever ebb back in 2010 when my then-wife and I parted ways. That’s not a record I particularly want to try and beat.

There was one positive amid all the crap, though, and that was that at Slimming World this evening I had successfully shed another 3lbs, even amid all the stress, anxiety and depression that the last couple of weeks have caused me. I candidly admitted during the group session that my ongoing success — I’ve now lost over a stone in total — was one much-needed positive thing in the middle of a horrible period in my life, and that I was thankful for the support the group sessions — and the overall structure and targets of the programme — were providing me in this difficult time. I walked away with the “Slimmer of the Week” award, which was somewhat unexpected, and which netted me a bag full of (healthy, “Free Food”) goodies. So that’s good.

Almost everything else is shit though. And it looks like continuing to be shit for the foreseeable future right now.

I could be pleasantly surprised. But I’m not holding my breath.

Perhaps I should. Shit stinks, after all.

1638: Trying Again

I went to the gym today. It’s a bit of a trek from where we are now, particularly without a car, but I felt the need to get out of the house for a bit rather than sitting alone in it all day fretting about whether or not I should be doing more to get a job.

They say that doing some exercise is a good idea when you’re feeling low, and for sure I’ve been feeling physically somewhat shitty as well as mentally recently. Thus I figured doing something to loosen up my stiff, tired, stressed-as-fuck body would probably be a good idea, but I didn’t want to go too crazy right away since it’s been a while since I was in a good routine. (I don’t know how likely I am to get into a good routine this time around, but I have done it before, so never say never.)

I decided that I’d try a programme I’ve had some success with in the past: the Couch to 5k system. For the uninitiated, this is a regime where you do some running three times a week, beginning relatively slow — just under half an hour of alternating a minute of running and a minute and a half of walking — and gradually working your way up to, in theory anyway, being able to run 5km — or at least to be able to keep running without stopping for half an hour.

I’ve made it through this programme once in the past, and it had a noticeable impact on my fitness. I’m not sure how much it helped me actually lose weight — I really struggle to shed weight, which is hugely demoralising when embarking on an exercise programme — but it certainly got me feeling fitter, less likely to get out of breath and so forth. It’d be nice to be able to keep it up enough to get back into that state.

The previous times I’ve tried this programme I’ve done it outside, running around my local area. It’s easy to feel self-conscious when doing this, but I normally put some loud music on and its straightforward enough to tune out what’s going on around you and focus on what you’re doing.

The difficulty, however is that the environment outside is less than predictable. The weather can vary, the surfaces on which you’re running can vary and there are hills to go up and down — usually at particularly inconvenient moments. As such, I decided to give it a go on the treadmill today — a predictable environment that I’m in full control of, in an air-conditioned room rather than being under the blazing summer sun.

It worked really well, and I was surprised that I managed to get through the first day of the programme without too much difficulty. I felt something of a “wall” about halfway through the session, but I pushed through and kept going rather than giving in to the little voice in my head urging me to stop and relax for a moment, and before long I was at the end.

My musical accompaniment for the session was the soundtrack to Final Fantasy XIV, whose battle themes make for an excellent workout accompaniment. I’ll definitely be making use of that playlist again, just to add a little drama to proceedings.

I’m in two minds as to whether to go back tomorrow and do some weights work before continuing the programme on Wednesday, or whether to just have a rest tomorrow. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow, I guess.

1595: Other Side Up

A sense of low self-worth tends to coincide, oddly enough, with those times in your life when things aren’t going all that well. The time when your actual worth is lower than it could be, in other words.

I’m going through one of those phases right now, and it sucks. There’s only so much I can do about it in the short-term, though. But there are probably at least a few things I can do, starting with outlining all the things that are causing me stress, anxiety and depression right now. This isn’t for the benefit of any of you kind enough to read my self-indulgent ramblings: I’m simply hoping it will prove to be something of a cathartic exercise, or something.

Okay. Number one on the list of Things That Are Getting Me Down is the lack of job. I still technically have a job until the end of June, of course, but after that I’m on my own. Far from making me feel relaxed, though, I just feel incredibly awkward about the whole situation. I’ve pretty much been cut off from the rest of the staff — partially voluntarily, since I didn’t really trust myself to contribute meaningfully to staff meetings when at risk of bursting into tears at any moment — and am being largely left to my own devices. With the site’s shift in editorial direction, I don’t have to worry about news stories, either, so that takes a bit of pressure off, but it’s still a bit of a weird situation.

The main thing causing anxiety in this instance is the fact that I don’t yet know what I’m going to be doing after the deadline of the end of June is up. I have a few applications in, but I’ve only heard from one so far, and that was a rejection. I have some more positions I need to apply for, but I also have to contemplate the possibility that I might not get any of those, which might leave me in a position where there doesn’t appear to be anything worth applying for. What do I do then? Aim lower? That doesn’t sound right, but it might be the only option.

My issue, as I’ve pondered on these pages once or twice in the past, is convincing employers that the work I’ve done for the past few years is directly relevant to something that is… well, not directly related. I am good at writing about video games. I am good at writing in general. However, I worry that there’s still a certain amount of “stigma” around professional games journalism, like it’s not a “real job” and that, when attempting to apply for a position at a “real” company, I’ll be judged negatively for the hard work I’ve put in over the last few years.

This is an irrational and probably completely incorrect assumption, of course, but as I said, I’m simply spouting off the things that are causing me anxiety right now.

Unrelated to the work issue is the fact that I’m just generally feeling pretty shitty about myself at the moment, particularly with regard to my body image. I’m painfully aware that I’ve put on loads of weight over the last few years, and I can’t shift it. When I get depressed, I often turn to comfort eating, and it’s a difficult habit to break. Right now, I’m making a conscious effort to try and eat more healthy things wherever possible, but sometimes you just want a chocolate bar or a cookie.

I can feel the additional weight translating into unfitness, too. I get breathless, my legs ache and creak, and I feel crappy most of the time. I need to get up, about and being active again, but I know that for a good while after I start doing it, it’s going to hurt. It’s going to be difficult, I’m going to be gasping for breath and I’m going to feel like I’m not making any progress. And the prospect of that is putting me off doing it in the first place — which, of course, is making me feel worse about myself.

I think I need to try and ease myself back in with something reasonably “easy” like swimming, and later graduate back to the gym and running and the like when I’ve built a bit of strength back up. I feel like a useless lump at the moment, so I don’t know how long that is going to take, but I feel like I probably should start on this sooner rather than later. This week, perhaps; I already joined the gym in town shortly before we moved, so I just need to try and get into some good habits, getting up early and going in the morning.

If I can stick to that, that solves part of my semi-conscious objections to indulging in regular exercise and the like. My main issues are that I get too ambitious too quickly — deciding I’ll go to the gym every day every week, for example — and then lose motivation quickly, and also that I feel like taking time to do exercise is time that I’d rather spend doing literally anything else. I don’t really enjoy exercising while I’m in the state I’m in at the moment; it’s demoralising, embarrassing and painful. I need to work through that pain, somehow.

All of the above, then, is conspiring to make me feel monumentally crap. I wish I could say that I knew things were going to be okay, and I have plenty I should be grateful right now — not least of which is the fact that Andie and I now own our own house, and with a little more work on it, it will be very much how we want it. But there are more immediate concerns weighing on my mind before I really feel like I can relax and enjoy that, and I need to figure out how to address those sooner rather than later.